I swear, I'm losing my mind.
I went out for a run last night, and... panicked. Like I've never run a day in my life. This is what happened in my head:
It's cold. It's windy. It's dark. I think my calf feels funny. Does my knee hurt? I can feel my shoe rubbing my achilles... is that new? Has it always done that? Why does my heel feel weird? Does it feel weird? I should have braided my hair. It's going to annoy me. Is this jacket too warm? It's sooooo windy. I hate wind. Running into the wind is going to be tough. It's cold. I think my knee hurts.
And then I quit.
I went home, and finished making dinner (vegetarian Puerto Rican food for me, so made TWO meals, really), and ate, and foam rolled my possibly-imaginary pains.
But the crazy continued this morning. I was going to wear jeans and boots, because suddenly, SoCal has remembered that it's still winter, and it's freezing here. But I didn't want to wear boots - what if the heel aggrivated my knee?! I wore flat boots instead. Then spent the walk into the office questioning every twinge in my legs. Did that hurt? Does it feel funny?
I spend all day obsessing over details - studying the course map, stalking dining reservations (Cinderella's Royal Table, SCORE! Le Cellier has evaded me so far...), pretending I'm going to stop obsessing by focusing my obsession on the other two half's I've registered for, studying THOSE maps, back to obsessing over Princess. It's a circle.
This morning I melted down a little. All these runs I've skipped.. last night was truly the only one that I've skipped FOR NO LEGIT REASON. And now I'm panicking. What if I DON'T FINISH?? What if I get swept?! What if I just suck?
One of my fave blogs, Cotter Crunch, posted about this feeling the other day... Where you just feel like you're... waiting for something. Not sure what, but... something.
I guess, at this point, I've done what I could for training. The 4 runs I have scheduled before Princess aren't going to make my race, right? I'm pretty much as prepared as I'm gonna get. I just need to shut up, and do it. I'm getting nothing done by worrying about everything.
And I hate not getting anything done.
Why are I am crazy.